Old Ways

I’ve come so far since

I was petrified of juice –

Dessert was a veneer of cake –

My hands were permanently blue;

I’ve come so far since

My heart hammered before ‘mountainous’ dishes –

Hormones became like fae –

Calories dictated my choices;

I’ve come so far since

I refused to clear my plate –

Fullness equalled guilt –

Clothes hung off my frame.

 

I’ve come so far since

I cried over biscuits and milk –

Sitting bruised my tailbone –

A snack was an overdose.

 

I’ve come so far since

I lived to befriend death

 

I’ve come so far since

Then.

 

A.N. This poem is one of my most personal, it being about my struggle with disordered eating and subsequently an eating disorder. I have been maintaining a clinically healthy weight since January 2016, but every now and again this  poem serves as a reminder of the ‘life’ that I do not want to go back to. The title Old Ways is borrowed from Demi Lovato’s song on the album Confident; it relates well to my own experiences, especially considering her own history of eating disorders. My decision to make each stanza shorter than the other is meant to reflect my leaving the disorder behind.

 

 

 

 

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